How to stop judging yourself.

Mar 3

What is self-judgment?

Sometimes we can’t help but criticize ourselves or others, it's part of being human and it's called self-judgment. But there are times where this can get in the way of us being kind to ourselves even to the point where it impacts our mental health and self-esteem. Does it feel like you can’t help but say mean things to yourself? Or might the judgemental things you tell yourself start to feel like they are true? These are a few signs that self-judgment might be present in your life. Hey, the fact that you’re reading this tells me you are ready to work on judging yourself less harshly! Let’s dive in to understand where self-judgment comes from and how to handle it when it feels overwhelming. Keep reading!

Reasons you might be judging yourself.

There are many reasons why self-judgment develops. First of all, you’re human and all humans have feelings and opinions. That is completely normal! We all have automatic thoughts too, those are the ones that pop into our minds randomly. For example, if I say don’t think about the ocean, it is likely that you had an automatic thought about the ocean. These automatic thoughts are out of our control yet we often judge ourselves (quite harshly) about even having these. But if they are out of our control, why do we criticize ourselves for these? Here is a research article detailing how automatic thoughts can impact our mental health.

A second factor to consider is whether you are surrounded by critiques from others that you are assuming to be fact. If so, you may have begun to believe what others have said about you. It can be current comments/judgment or even messages you received as a child or adolescent that impact how you feel about yourself. Anxiety therapy can help you further explore and understand the root of self-judgment. We all have core beliefs that impact how we interpret the world around us. If your core beliefs tend to be negative, then your mind will be looking for evidence to support those beliefs and self-criticism. Judging yourself may be habitual now but it’s a pattern that can be changed over time.

One last factor to consider in trying to understand where your self-judgment is coming from is, do you have an image in mind of where you wanted/expected/hoped you would be in life by now? If so, of course there will be some self-judgment there if you feel disappointed in your progress so far. Some folks believe self-judgment serves as a motivation for them to do better. Everyone is different and there may be some truth in this belief for them. However, there are healthier ways to motivate yourself to continue pushing forward (like the strategies shared below).

How to stop judging yourself.

Here are a few strategies you can use to stop judging yourself:

Use affirmations and positive self-talk. These are helpful statements you can repeat to yourself with confidence when you recognize self-judgment. Examples of affirmations include: “I believe in and trust myself”, “I am worthy of …”, “ I deserve …” etc.
Make a list of evidence against the self-judgment. Take some time to think about why the judgemental thoughts you are experiencing are not true. Write it down or create a note on your phone you can reference when the judgemental thoughts are beginning to feel stronger.
Observe and accept rather than resist. Remember when we talked about automatic thoughts? This is the practice of noticing automatic thoughts and doing nothing with them. It may help during your practice to remind yourself you are not your thoughts. Just because you have a thought it does not mean it's true or something you actually believe. Be an observer and allow the judgemental thoughts to flow past you.
Practice grounding. This strategy helps bring you back to the present moment versus where your self-judgment is trying to take you. A simple grounding strategy you can use is 5-4-3-2-1 with your senses. Here is how it works: look around your environment and identify 5 things you see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell and 1 thing you can taste.
Have self-compassion. Actively choose to be kind to yourself about whatever it is the judgemental thoughts are targeting. It can help to consider how you would respond to a friend if they were in your position. Use that same compassion for yourself, you deserve it.
Use radical acceptance. You can choose to practice acceptance of where you are in life to reduce self-judgment. Radical acceptance is a tool used to stop fighting reality to end your suffering. It does not mean you like where you are in life or agree with the circumstance, it simply means you accept what is.

When the self-judgment feels like it’s become disruptive in your life it may be time to seek professional support. Therapy and support groups can help you better understand the root of your self-judgment and the best individual strategies to help you manage it.